Yes, I am a cow.

Slashee the Cow - iixel art cow image

Moo. Are you happy now?

And there’s some common myths I’d like to dispel, and some FAQs I don’t want to have to keep answering:

  • Do you fart methane contributing to climate change?
    Technically yes, but the farts are a very small amount. We burp out far more methane than we fart.
  • Can’t you just hold it in?
    See how long you can go without farting or burping, and I’ll try and beat it.
  • Does cow tipping work?
    What, do you sleep standing up? Cause I sure as hell don’t.
  • What makes cow milk better than soy milk/almond milk/oat milk/current trend?
    It’s only milk if it comes from a teat. The other ones are juices.
  • Why do bulls charge at someone flapping a red cloth?
    We don’t care that it’s red (we can’t actually see red). It’s the flapping that annoys us. And you’d be annoyed too if you knew someone was coming who wanted you dead.
  • My friend/family member got killed in the Running of the Bulls. Is my vendetta against your kind wrong?
    Yes. If you think it’s a good idea to run through narrow streets with a bunch of stampeding cattle behind you, I’m surprised you made it to Spain.
  • What’s it like having four stomachs?
    Ask a cruise ship passenger, those people can EAT. We only have one stomach, it just has four chambers.
  • Fine then, why a four chambered stomach?
    In case you haven’t seen our diet, it’s not exactly gourmet. Each part breaks it down most efficiently, and chewing cud gives something to do all day (since you won’t give us a TV or something).
  • At a rodeo, why do the bulls buck so hard to get rid of the rider?
    Tell you what, why don’t I jump on your back without asking and see how much you like it.
  • What’s the difference between beef and veal?
    What’s the difference between you and your child?
  • If I see a cow standing in the middle of the road, what should I do?
    Depends on how good your insurance is.
  • You’re an expert on cows, what’s the best cut of steak?
    Chicken schnitzel.
  • Do cowbells do anything other than add the necessary oomph to a lot of music?
    Yes! They’re also used to tell time. When they start ringing, it’s time for someone to come and deal with whatever’s trying to kill us because they’re not nice enough to let us live inside with them.
  • I just stepped in a cow pat. What’s the best way to get it off my shoe?
    Time machine. Pressure sprayer. Dishwasher. Do I look like someone who knows anything about shoes?