Yes, I am a cow.

Moo. Are you happy now?

And there’s some common myths I’d like to dispel. And some FAQs I don’t want to have to keep answering:

• Do you fart methane contributing to climate change?
  Technically yes, but the farts are a very small amount. We burp out far more methane than we fart.
  • Can’t you just hold it in?
    See how long you can go without farting or burping, and I’ll try and beat it.
• Does cow tipping work?
  What, do you sleep standing up? Cause I sure as hell don’t.
• What makes cow milk better than soy milk/almond milk/oat milk/current trend?
  It’s only milk if it comes from a teat. The other ones are juices.
• Well then what makes cow milk better than goat milk?
  We don’t eat garbage.
• How is flavoured milk made?
  You really don’t want to know.
• Why do bulls charge at someone flapping a red cloth?
  We don’t care that it’s red (we can’t actually see red). It’s the flapping that annoys us. And you’d be annoyed too if you knew someone was coming to fight you.
• Is it true that you can’t lead a cow downstairs?
  How exactly did you plan on getting us up in the first place?
• What’s it like having four stomachs?
  Ask a cruise ship passenger, those people can EAT. We only have one stomach, it just has four chambers.
  • Fine then, why a four chambered stomach?
    In case you haven’t seen our diet, it’s not exactly gourmet. Each part breaks it down most efficiently, and chewing cud gives something to do all day (since you won’t give us a TV or something).
• What’s the difference between beef and veal?
  What’s the difference between you and your child?
• At a rodeo, why do the bulls buck so hard to get rid of the rider?
  Tell you what, why don’t I jump on your back without asking and see how much you like it?
• If I see a cow standing in the middle of the road, what should I do?
  Depends on how good your insurance is.
• You’re an expert on cows, what’s the best cut of steak?
  Chicken schnitzel.
• Do cowbells do anything other than add the necessary oomph to a lot of music?
  Yes! They’re also used to tell time. When they start ringing, it’s time for someone to come and deal with whatever’s trying to kill us because they’re not nice enough to let us live inside with them.
• I just stepped in a cow pat. What’s the best way to get it off my shoe?
  Time machine. Pressure sprayer. Dishwasher. Do I look like someone who knows anything about shoes?
• What does grass taste like?
  You’re more than welcome to try it for yourself.
  • Does it taste much different when it’s hay?
    Simple experiment: you leave some pieces of fruit and vegetables in the blazing hot sun for a few months and see what difference it makes.
• I’ve heard cows make great pets. What do you think?
  I’ve heard keeping humans away from all their friends and family and expecting them to soothe, comfort or entertain me on demand is great. What do you think?
• Why do you let yourself be herded by cattle dogs?
  Because they can bite us a lot more easily than we can bite them. Also their teeth are a lot sharper than ours, even if we could manage it.
• My friend/family member got killed in the Running of the Bulls. Is my vendetta against your kind wrong?
  Yes. If you think it’s a good idea to run through narrow streets with a bunch of stampeding cattle behind you, I’m surprised you made it to Spain.
• How do you feel about people wearing leather?
  Just because we wear full leather jackets doesn’t mean you should. It’s not about hypocrisy, it’s just a lot less painful for us than when you do.
  ^{(Also, despite costing a lot, it looks cheap)}
• Why do wild cows attack people?
  You’ve obviously never heard of lions. Or tigers. Or wild dogs. Or spiders. We’ve been having fun and then you come and try to ruin it.
• Is it true the pattern of spots is unique to every cow?
  No. Not all cows have spots.
  • Fine then wise guy, do all cows with spots have a unique pattern?
    Thank you for calling us bovines wise. There are not enough people in the world as kind as you are to recognise that.
    And yes, every cow that has spots has a unique pattern.
• Why are bulls so angry?
  Because they have to keep answering that question.
• How do you feel about other human sports that involve animals, like horse racing?
  I feel that one of the best ways to get ahead in life is to not discuss political/social things like that because then you can actually get ahead instead of stopping to argue every fifteen minutes.
• Cows can’t really jump over the moon, can they?
  That depends on the moon’s current position relative to where we are. When it lines up exactly opposite to where we are, yes.
• The name “Slashee” seems pretty weird. Where did you get it from?
  My parents, I assume. Where’d you get yours?
• Are you white with black spots or black with white spots?
  Yes